Im scared that In person, after being so far apart, his fullness of being and his very real presence will be overwhelming

I fear that next time were together ill be struck by how solid he is—how real and colourful. I'll marvel at the texture of his hair, of being able to run my fingers through it and fluff up his bangs. The depth of his gentle, blue-grey eyes. The warmth of his flesh. The comforting smell of his body, his clothes. The clearness and closeness of his voice, unadulterated by Internet connections and unfiltered by the reception of cell phones. How tall he is, how big—how he wraps around me when I move to embrace him and dwarfs me, encloses me. I'll hold his hands again, view his feet—those adorable feet, wrapped in dark socks. As I interlock my fingers with his, our palms meet like old friends. The contours of his face—forgetting how nuanced they were, how fine. These details are starting to faded from my memory after countless video conversations, where all I can see are his head and shoulders, a simple frontal view. Where the image is grainy and the audio lags. But in reality there are no delays in the conversation, except when we lay in silence. Im scared that In person, after being so far apart, his fullness of being and his very real presence will be overwhelming.

The rule, not the exception.

I was never a strong believer in love at first sight, until I met him. In a split second he changed everything. My entire ideology, my entire view flipped upside down and shaken. Maybe love at first sight was meant to be the rule, rather than the exception. Maybe instead of complicating love with stigma and fear of the unknown, you're meant to embrace it in the purest form of innocence. Every logical thought I had left told me to ignore, forget. Run. But I didn't chose him, I just took one look and knew there was no turning back. One week is all it took for me to be his entirely. I missed him before he left, sitting right beside me I felt his presence lessen with every approaching second.  I couldn't help but count down, and we were running out of time. I try to explain my feelings to others, but how can you look someone in the eye who wasn’t there, who hasn’t felt the power of his gaze, his touch, his heart, and say, “I fell in love at first sight and now they're gone" and have them understand? You can't, but in the end, love is everything it's cracked up to be. It's worth fighting for, being brave for, and risking everything for. I don't know what will happen; all I know is, without a doubt, I love him. And I believe in us. 

Missing you <\3

I'm in the darkest hour of my life, and no matter how much trust and love I have for my friends theres still somethings I can never share with them. It's been 86 days and counting, it's hard to be strong knowing that, after graduation, I may never see you again. I never thought this would be us, avoiding each other in the hallways and playing this seemingly never ending game of who can pretend they care the least. I don't want to play anymore. The time I spend trying to convince myself I don't love you and that I don't care whether your in my life is nauseating. Its becoming more and more clear to me that the only person I'm fooling is myself. I never knew the true extent of the pain heart break can cause until now. My heart is broken in a way I never know that it can heal. I loved you unconditionally, i would have done anything for you and to this day you remain the love of my life. I thought we would be together forever, but you turned out to be someone I never imagined you could be. I thought I could judge a person but you had me totally fooled. I still don't know who the real you is, are you the boy I fell in love with? Or the heartless jackass I now recognize you to be? Two months ago you started started ignoring me, never called and i thought maybe you were just busy, if only I was less naive and saw it coming. We didnt talk for a month, and when we finally did speak you told me you were over me. I still cant believe it, you don't just get over a love like ours, you don't just forget the love you have for someone. I thought it was just another fight, I wish it was, we would have made up that same night and not wasted all this time without eachother.
The only thing I was most scared of happened, I lost you. I was cheated. My heart broken into millions of pieces and the worst part I still cant get over it. I have to put on a brave face in front of everyone, because i dont want them to know how much it has affected me, I am strong but you make me weak. I wish I could say i hardly remember us, but the truth is i have thought about you every single day since the day I fell in love. Every time I close my eyes your face flashes in front of me, the memories replay in my mind like a constant reminder of the good times we had. It kills me to see you walk past without even glancing in my direction, every time I hear your name my heart breaks all over again. If only I knew when it would finally stop hurting because I'm losing my strength.

Too good to last.

It happened like something out of a movie. It was perfect and in my stomach I knew it was too good to be true - too good to last. I prayed I was wrong but now that everything has fallen apart I'm afraid I was right. I loved you, I still do. This love is like nothing I have ever known, nothing I knew existed. I thought I was in love until I met you and you changed everything. I love the night we danced in your empty living room. I love how you like to cuddle. I love your passion for everything you do. I love the late night wordless phone calls as we'd fall asleep. I love how happy I was because of you, how I want to be a better person, how you inspired me. I love you. But now your life is a mess, and it's out of my hands. I want to be here for you like I had been before but you won't let me in this time. I can see it in your eyes like an open book that you still feel the same so why can't you admit it anymore. I know you're afraid of loving me as much as you do; you have told me. The truth is the thought of not loving you scares me more. I can actually feel my heart clench at the thought of you being a stranger. I've been told that I deserve better. But I never took that advice to heart because I am an extremely passionate person. Whatever I want, no matter how painful, difficult, or tiring it is, I will put my utmost heart and efforts into attaining it. But lately, I've been drained of the energy to hold on. It hurts to know that he'll soon forget me. But maybe this is the way it's supposed to end. Maybe I had to learn that wanting someone you have irrevocable feelings for is self-harming and unnecessary. At least with him out of the picture completely, I can pretend I don't miss him much. Maybe one day we'll be together again, they say if you love something to let it go and if it comes back its yours forever. But for now, the only person who has my attention and care, is me and I'm the only one I really need.

Happy Birthday To Me.

If you asked me last year where I saw myself in a year, I can tell you that this, all of this wasn't what I had in mind. The way things are in general are nothing like I thought they would be. People I've kept close to my heart have now become complete strangers. And people who were once strangers now mean so much to me. This past year has gone by so quickly. It almost feels like nothing has changed and yet when I slow down and think about it, nothing is the same. It's hard to believe how much can change in just a year. This time last year, things were completely different. I was completely different.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! 2012.



My memories.

It happened so unexpectedly and took us both by surprise. We both were hesitant about the situation but it just worked. It was easy, it was simple but it was new, it was exciting and was fresh. It was different from anything we had ever felt before. Right now, though, I feel weak. I feel clingy... it's never hit me this hard before. This thing between us unexplainable. It cannot be described because I can’t seem to be able too. The words and the concepts just don’t seem to match what it actually is, what is actually feels like. Every time I get a text or thought about you my stomach gets all funny, like there are butterflies where organs should be. I feel like a little kid again. The time I have spent with you has made me look forward to the next time we see each other. It is the best feeling knowing that some of your best days are just waiting to be lived out. Doing anything with you seems extraordinary to me. I’m lucky to say I have you as a bestfriend. I’m proud of you because you’ve never let me down. We are the lucky ones, to meet somebody and get along so well instantly. To have a crazy connection with somebody you barely know but it’s something you hear people talk about and read about. Well, we have it, it’s real, its great, its really great. Make memories that will leave you speechless. Blow yourself away with the things you can achieve and surprise yourself. Do crazy things just to say you did them. Let yourself be wild, live with no regrets but be true to yourself. The time we spend together and the little memories we share... I will keep them close until the day I die. I want that night where we laid in the tent, with nervous hands, and our shoulders touching or when we finally kissed and I couldn’t stop smiling. Those are the memories that replay in my head the most. The night I realized I might fall in love with you... I was right. <3

why'd you have to be so cute?

I can't help it.